What I Thought I Wanted

Do you ever hear songs that contain small phrases that for whatever reason seem to stick with you? My favorite contemporary Christian singer/songwriter is Sara Groves, and she has written several songs that contain lyrics which get 'stuck' in my brain, and I mull them around for days on end, dwelling upon the concept or truth that is presented, thinking about how it applies to my life in the here-and-now.
'What I Thought I Wanted' is a song that Groves penned after she had a close friend call off his wedding just days before he was to be married. In a follow-up conversation with that friend, she got the 'behind-the-scenes' scoop on what was occurring within the life of that friend that led him to decide to call off his nuptials, as well as his response to the difficult event.

"What he thought he wanted, what he got instead / Leaves him broken yet grateful. "

Groves also brings across her message by touching on the life circumstances of a familiar Old Testament Bible character: Job. When I think of Job, I think "what DIDN'T that man endure?" And I think I understand where she's coming from as she writes:

"When I get to heaven, I wanna go find Job/ I wanna ask a few hard questions , I wanna know what he knows/ About what it is he wanted and what he got instead/How to be broken yet faithful"

We know Job 'asked a few hard questions'; they're recorded in Scripture for us. And, we also know that God answered them with resounding clarity by giving Job an elementary lesson on Who He is, in all His grandness and glory. Job ended up seeing that the answers he wanted were not given, but what he got instead? Well, it was enough to make Job, a man who endured much brokenness and yet remained faithful, grateful for the rest of his lifetime. He asked the tough questions, but that didn't mean His faith had disintegrated.
Can you hear yourself in these next lines? I know that I could, and they've caused me to dwell on several things lately, as they have intermittently since I first heard this song.

" I keep wanting You to be fair/But that's not what You said/ I want certain answers to these prayers/ But that's not what You said"

I'm grateful that in my wanting to define what God should do under the auspices of being "fair", He shoots down with His intrinsic characteristics of omniscience, omnipotence, etc. He is not a God Who is defined by His creation, and I'm grateful He is so much more (and His ways are so much more) than what my limited mind can comprehend.
So why all of this Sarah-babble? First, I wanted to write out a little bit about some things that I have been pondering the past few months. My life at present is not how I would have pictured it 10 yrs ago. What I thought I wanted and what I got instead.....it leaves me broken and grateful. God has taken many of my life's "pieces" and gradually, lovingly, graciously put them together again, and He has filled this broken pot with joy that cannot come from circumstances or people, but from Himself alone. They were lessons He brought me through little-by-little, small and big changes that were given to me in little bits that I could handle and gradually embrace as my own----changes in thinking and acting and believing. And these changes didn't happen overnight! It's a process....as it is for all of us. In between the "what I thought I wanted" stage and the "what I got instead" stage is the grace of God carrying me along. Second, I wondered about the stories of other people's lives. In your journey, have you had any "what I thought I wanted...what I got instead" circumstances that have left you broken and yet grateful/faithful/peaceful? I know that I have, so what about you? Perhaps you're in-between the 'what I thought I wanted' part .... waiting for the 'what I got instead' part to show up. Waiting to see how God's plan unfolds. Trusting that God's plan is bigger than the answers to your questions.
I'm grateful that even in the waiting, there is a 'growing' that takes place. And in the meantime, I hope we can sing along with Groves:

"I want to be grateful, peaceful, thankful, faithful...."

I'd love to hear your story. If you don't want to post them on the blog, email me at nurseglup@msn.com